DAMNED... and loving it

weeee...........

2006-04-01T07:28:00.000-08:00

i'm so happy... i got what i wished for... it was a gud sem for me despite the rocky paths during the process... haiii... i hope i continue this... hehe, for the sake of pleasing many people around me... hehe, not just me of course... it's so hot! summer is really here! haha, i wanna go swimming.........

hohummm....

2006-03-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

i hope everything will work out fyn...

dedication

2006-02-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

... i hope im doing the right thing... im sticking with my career... wish me luck... i need to go abroad fast...

happy

2005-12-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

thank god i'm happy... finally... merry christmas to everyone!

Choices

2005-11-10T06:44:00.000-08:00

I am now an adult and the hardest partof being an adult is making choices... When I was young, the only choice I had to make was between eating or sleeping... NOW, more complicated issues are being handed to me and definitely they are not in a silver platter.

How to deal: It's not a choice between a career and love coz almost eversince I started entering relationships, I've done a pretty good job handling and balancing both. What's harder? love vs l;ove and career vs career? Is it right oram I just too weird?

Most people will have a hard time balancing love and career, nut me? Nahh...

That's why maybe it's not acceptable for me when I'm being left out alone. I would ask myself, if I can do it, why can't they? Am I not that important for them? It's not acceptable for me but I am trying to understand... (believe me I really am) Ifthere's a will there's a way right? Why can't they give me enough will?

Don't think that when I'm referring to "they" it means I have alot... it just means I've been through the situation a lot of times... And time and time again I end up losing... You know why? Coz as time passes by, I'm becoming more insensitive and the person who couldnt care less.

We're adults now. I am one too. And choices will remain. I just have to choose the path I'm going to take.

I'm still undecided.

The only thing that I'm sure of is that I'm leaving this place with or without someone.

If there's a will there's a way right? And if that person really wants to be with me, then that person will go with me wherever I go.

how to deal

2005-10-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a man has to choose
And do something he doesn't wanna do
Do I live my life with you as my wife
Or do I go on and pursue my lifetime dream
I gotta do this for me
Cuz if I don't I'll probably regret it
But if I do I'll probably regret it
How do I cope
How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it
How do I deal with
The fact that you had a chance
But you chose to turn away for your career
I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'
It's something that I had to do
But nobody said that it would hurt so bad
So how do I live...how do I deal without you
It's killing me to know
That your heart hurts with me
But you're with him cause I chose
To be in this industry
Money, shows, and hoes come along with luxury and pain
Is all you see when you think about it
But this is the life that I was given
So I have to live it to the fullest
But how do I deal in the meantime without you
How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it
How do I deal with
The fact that you had a chance
But you chose to turn away for your career
I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'
It's something that I had to do
But nobody said that it would hurt so bad
So how do I live...how do I deal without you

hey

2005-10-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

it's me again... ive been quite busy... i hope evrything will be ok soon... hai... im having a hard time now... i hope this makes me stronger... and happier.

One of these days

2005-08-24T01:11:00.000-07:00

One of these days
One of these very ordinary days
Your going to call my name
And I won't be there

After the days
After these very,very many days
Your going to see the light
And I won't be there

And on that day
Some how I'll find the strength to stay away
I won't give in
I will not let myself be taken in
Again oh no my friend

One of these days
Out of the blue you'll start remembering
And I won't care
Cause I won't be there

Oh and on that day
I swear I'll find the strength somehow to stay away
I won't give in
I will not let myself be taken in
Again oh no my friend

Thats what I say
Thats what I tell myself I won't give in
So try it someday and you'll see that I won't be there
No you know,you know I won't be there
One of these,one of these,one of these days
I won't be there

[fade out]

Done

2005-07-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

You stay in a relationship because you are happy, that's what my friends told me.... but me? I tried to stay not because I was happy but because the person I cared about needed me...

Needing is different from loving. You need a person because you love that person not loving the person because you need that person.

So much for caring, I forgot about myself. My respect for myself vanished, just to make that person feel that she was not alone. During her highs and lows, I was there though she never really saw me. But that's ok. I just don't want her to ruin her life. I wanted her to be happpy... even though her happiness would mean he fall of me.

I've accepted the fact already, she can never be happy with me. That's why I let her go.

ANd now that the crisis is over and everything's back to normal, I needed to regain myself.

This is goodbye.

ANd I promised myself that I'm gonna be happy without her.

So much for caring. I'm done begging.

2005-06-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

time to think things over

ice cold

2005-06-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know what love is anymore...
I don't know how to feel anymore...
I don't know what the truth is anymore...

But one thing I've realized, I've become a soulless human...

I'm not acting based on what I feel nor what is right... I chose the path that's leading me to the easier way out.

I wanted out... Now, I am.

I'm not bitter. I'm just practical... facing the reality that some things are not meant to be because they chose not to take the chance.

I risked so many times and so many things.

Still, I failed.

Now, I'm soulless... ice cold.

This is not me. This is the mask I wear.

I have to...

stupidity vs love

2005-06-21T04:03:00.000-07:00

They say you become stupid when you love... as the famous song says, "foolish heart..."

So when do you say NO to a relationship that's been hurting you for a very long time?

Is love enough to make you stay in a relationship when you're not happy?

What if the one you loves somebody else? What if you know that you're not the only one that person loves? What if there's two of you loving and having a relationship with that person? Is it still right to stay?

My friend said there's a right thing to do and the thing you have to do... the right thing is to stay and that's because you really want to stay but the thing you have to do is the thing that will let you out of the situation...
So what do you choose?

My friend also told me that you're entering a relationship to be happy... so if you're not happy then why stay?

Do we have to be stupid to love?

Of course not... We should have our limits... Loving is not necessarily being stupid... It is learning to give a part of your self but knowing when to give up...

Giving up is not losing, it is starting anew...

Me? Nah... giving up is not in my vocabularly... but letting go...

Ethanol

2005-06-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

...is another word for alcohol... meaning drinking has been my favorite past time... since ____...

During my review I've learned that alcoholism actually promotes lipid (or fat) formation... here we go again...

But it's not my topic this time... not scientific terms or what... but what alcohol is to me...

Alcohol has been my companion in my lousy travel of going through this pain... Going out, parties and tambay... All night laughing... but still at the end of the day, tears are falling...

Why? because they are all just temporary ways of forgetting.

Alcohol makes me more honest... expressive of what I truly feel.

When I'm not drunk I'm afraid of showing what I truly feel... what's going on inside my emotions... (damn, crazy for you is my background song)

But when I'm with a cigarette and liquor in my system, it seems that I can tell the whole world what I'm feeling. I don't feel scared anymore. It feels that I'm braver than anyone.

If it's just possible that I'm always drunk, why not?
But I have other responsibilities... I have other things to do...

I feel so uninspired. Despite telling myself that I'm not affected in any way... I'm lying...

distance

2005-06-02T05:12:00.000-07:00

Pain has been my constant companion. Being left alone to fight has been my constant battle. How can I be healed?

Distance...

It can't heal all the pains but it can mask the loneliness... the bitter feeling.

I feel like I am a nomad, travelling through time... wandering through places... with no other companion but a wild animal by my side.

I wanna go around the world... reach places I've never been before. Feel the freedom... feel the wind soaring with me. Ride the horses with no burden in my heart.

Despite wanting the distance so bad... It seems that I can't seem to move.

Why? distance can help me heal... somehow... but why can't i move.

Something is still holding me back... What is it? I need to know...

How...

2005-05-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

How do you tell the person you love him/her?

Fight for the person? Or let the person go?

This question has been haunting me for the longest time...

I don't know what to do anymore...

Please help me...

...end of the road...

2005-05-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a dream, my worst nightmare...

I saw myself, trudging an unfamiliar road. Everything looks dark, and blank, and empty...

Suddenly, inside me, I felt the urge to cry... I was about to break down and cry, and I remember, nothing can break me... I'm strong, nobody can break my defenses... I paused for a moment... closed my eyes...

Tears dripping down uncontrollably, my hands was about to wipe them, so they will stop. But something inside me stopped my hands... Yes, crying felt so good... I gave in to that moment... I felt drowning under the rain...

Somebody's waving at me from a far... I stopped crying and looked at the shadow, then a smile so familiar came my way... I didn't stop running, I was aiming to look who that person is... I felt a pang of guilt... I ran faster and faster...

Then I reached the end of the road and I remembered... I was there for a reason...

I was saying goodbye...

Tears just can't stop falling again...
What is happening to me?

Then, I realize, I wasn't dreaming... everything was true.

I had my worst nightmare...
the reality of losing someone...
again...

and again...

and I said to myself,
I've come to the end of my road...
The road that person told me to avoid...
but still I went on...

Call me stupid, but I'd rather get to that road,
than miss that chance...

Thanks...
you've given me the worst and the best times of my life.

A nightmare and a dream in my reality.

2005-05-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

homebody

LOVE defined

2005-05-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

I was asked by someone to define love...

What we usually do is we define love based on our experiences, how we felt when we were inlove... but now, this person asked me to define it objectively... meaning something that is measurable and with basis...

Let me start...

According to my psychology book, love is considered one of the major emotions / feelings (besides joy and anger). Don't ask me why there are 3... I don't know the answer...

First of all, let me share to you, the heart is not really the one controlling our emotions, it is the hypothalamus, a part of our limbic system (in the brain) that's closely connected to our endocrine system which has a very huge effect in our emotional stability.

You know that you are inlove when the you see the person and your heart start's beating faster... and you perspire a lot when he/she's near... also, your arector pili muscles starts working meaning you are having goosebumps.... You breathe heavier knowing he/she is so near yet so far...

All our physiological changes are due to our hormones which are affected by our brain. We are in love when these are all affected...

but, no matter how we explain love, it is still the most wonderful feeling in the world... painful yet completes us in every way possible. It is not usually and perfectly defined objectively so, i'll stop this nonsense.

So right

2005-05-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

Does it ever come to you, the time when you feel that everything in your life is going wrong? But knowing that the one you love, loves you too, it makes everything so right...

Falling in love is not a choice... it happens by chance. When you choose someone to be the one you love, it is not love, it's compromise. You don't choose love, love chooses you...

So, when the time comes that you fall for someone, follow your heart... not your brain. Falling in love doesnt give an assurance that everything will be okay, that's why it is called falling... If you mind them all, you will not fall... you will crash into it... making it more painful because you've let go of the one person you could have shared you're life with.

When everything feels right though the person is all so wrong, still just give it a shot... you'll never know... that person may not be the right one, but someone who can teach you things you need to learn before you meet the wrong one...

As Aristotle said, everything in this world can be explained through association and man is the greatest learner because he makes the most number of association. We are all connected.

You'll never know, meeting that person even for just a moment may have a great impact in your life. Sharing a life for a short span of time may change your life forever.

Aja!

2005-04-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

If i remember correctly, Aja means "fight"...

Fight for what?

We have different battles in life that we should fight and human nature tells us, we should always be victorious... we shouldn't give up... especially something we really want to have...

As the famous line tells us, "if there's a will, there's a way."

But is there really a way when the battle you're fighting is your battle of love?

Love is never a one way street...

Even if you fight for someone you really love, there's always a risk of not being victorious... of not winning in the end because in love you need that other person to love you and to fight for you too...

Or maybe, if you stop fighting for her, that's the time you win... because winning is not always getting what you want, what you love... maybe you win when you let go... because maybe when you let go, you give her the happiness she always dreamed of having. Happiness without you... without the complications you're giving.

My mind tells me to go...

Still, the feelings weigh more than everything...

Damn.

Goodbye

2005-04-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

painful right? when ur abt to say goodbye...

sometimes you just cant help but feel sad... but goodbye is also saying hello to a new chapter in ur life. but most of the times, it hurts so bad... cant let go of what you already have, so scared to see the new world... scared of this new chapter... so used to what we used to have...

but goodbye, though it may seem the hardest word to say, is just a new beginning...

pls dont be scared...

death...

2005-04-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Not only the living can die, but also intangible, unseen things lurking around us.. hope, faith, trust and even love.

They said love makes the world go round, love gives us a reason to live..Love is the strongest, most beautiful feeling we'll ever know but why is it that love can also tear us apart, makes us cry...

Accdg to some, love is everywhere, but...

Why is it that love also dies? What's even more confusing is why it dies so abruptly, so sudden that we don't even recognize that it's gone too soon? Can we even say that it is love that we lost?

For some, we lose...
Faith, ...because we often encounter hardships... We dont have faith in GOd and other people anymore.
Hope, ...because we remained hopeful and still wasn't able to get what we've always hoped for.
Trust, ...because somebody betrayed us...

How about love? Why do we lose love... this unexplainable feeling... this overwhelming feeling... this feeling of contentment and completeness...

Do we lose it once we end a relationship? Since we already broke up, I shouldn't feel this love anymore. Should I push myself not to love the person or willit be automatic for me?

Do we lose it bec they betrayed us and lost our trust? Can love exist w/o trust or can we still love even though we dont trust them? What I know is a relationshipcant exist w/o trust but love can...

Do we lose love because we don't have faith anymore in people? We were betrayed... we lose trust and we lose faith in other people even in God... Now, do we reject the feeling of love now?

Another series of unanswered questions... Why do I always have to do this? Making you who will read my blog think of too many possibilities... I'm sorry if I keep on making your mind work... but honestly I just want you to see all sides...

...Including my side..

The side of a mediocre headed (no side of the brain is superior)emotionally disturbed, unstabilized, common human being... (for your info, I'm not schizophrenic)

As my friend said, genetics is the only thing governed by chance, everything will be governed by choice... we chose to love. we chose not to.we chose to fall out of it. we chose to stay. we chose the person we love and the person we dont want to love. we chose to cheat. we chose to be faithful.

Love is also governed by choice.. not only chance nor destiny. In making choices, not only should we use our minds... we should feel it and we'll realize...

Even if we are aware that love can tear us apart, we still love... the reason behind it? I don't know, and I'm planning to live until I know. (I hope soon I'll find out)

Just recently, I've been made aware that my ex already fell for someone else... I was very happy for her and for myself too because I know that we will be able to go on with our own lives now.

She's happy.. and me too.. in fact, i am very happy right now.
Thanks to my ex, I realized, as of now I can't ask for anything more...

After that, I thanked God.

damn

2005-04-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

intoxication...
without alcoholic substance
that's how i feel
when i get to be near you

confusion..
thoughts just seem to fly
everytime my eyes
caught a glimpse of you

progression..
this feeling of emptiness
of not having you in my arms
very lethal indeed

annihilation...
my soul, my mind
logic already distorted
mind taking no control

damnation...
can't fight this anymore
i've fallen for you
damn!

2005-04-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

studio

2005-04-02T17:36:00.000-08:00

baby ko

13 Questions... to do or not to do?

2005-04-01T13:59:00.000-08:00

There are many questions when it comes to love...
I'll only be giving 13, lucky number. haha...

1. Does love make you stupid or does stupidity make you fall in love?

2. Am I really in love...or I just enjoy the feeling of being in love but I'm not?

3. Do we really have someone destined for us for our lifetime...or is it up to us to find our own destiny since we have free will?

4. Do you go for someone who loves you but you don't love...or do you stay with the one you love but loves somebody else?

5. Everything happens for a reason...does falling in love has a reason?does falling out of love has a reason?

6. Do you tell the person you love that you love her risking everything...or should you just shut up and just be contented with what you have though you know that you don't really have anything?

7. Should you tell her you love her...or should you just let her feel it through your actions?

8. should you tell her you're jealous because of her ex...or just let it pass though you're hurting inside?

9. We always say that past is past, but how do we really know that it is already a thing of the past when she usually talks abt her ex?

10. How do you keep a relationship? Do you become saintly for them to love you even more... or be a little devilish for them to keep coming back?

11. Should you keep fighting for a relationship though you're partner already gave it up?

12. Or maybe should you keep fighting for somethingyou don't really know what it is?

13. Let go or fight for her...If you let go, you set her free and she'll come back becoz of destiny...Or Fight for her becoz you might look back and realize you didn't give her enough reason to stay?

...and even more... Love is a many splendour thing...
... or maybe love is just a rose, beautiful but with thorns that can hurt.

... but still we fall in love knowing we can get hurt in the end...... because in loving you find your humane existence...... you find meaning of life. you love life. that's why you love...

Pimple

2005-03-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

I have a pimple. Gosh, I'm in love. Haha... but of course it will not be up to my pimple to decide whether I'm in love or not. It is just my sebaceous gland working, over producing oil and popping out of my pores in my not so cute face. Haha. It may be because of my dirty face or my estrogen levels changing that's why... or maybe I really am in love.We don't have to talk about who may it be, but here's what I will ask of you, maybe you can help me be stop my left brain from working and just let my hypothalamus take control of my emotions. (of course still not my heart). Logic tells me to stop but my crushed hypothalamus wants me to go on... What makes me go on? I dunno. Falling in love is not something that we have control over with. It just kicks you in the ass and tells you straight, "hey you... you're fucked up now coz you fell for this fellow!" Wahaha, it's funny really to think that Cupid will be coming to me telling me I'm doomed. But let me tell you, loving is one of the sweetest feeling I had... It may be the reason why I cried always but in every fall, I had learn another lesson... and if it will come to me, doom my life... so be it... as long as I'm happy.

Coffee Anyone?

2005-03-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

I miss caffeine... Damn... I'm so sleepy right now, that's why I'm doing this... blogging... I miss drinking coffee and just reading anything while gulping cupful of coffee (eating at the same time) ... Keeps my mind awake. Gets me going, gives my mind a piece of everything... relaxation and work at the same time.

My favorite hangout, Starbucks...

Here, my mind wanders... Haiii... especially these days. I have lots of things to think about. I may just appear casual... carefree... but it's just a facade that I usually wear, a mask covering my hideous past... my fucked of life. Oh my God, Phantom is that you? Am I becoming you? Haha, Kidding... of course not. Haha... I'm not a genius turned to madness, you know (accdg to Raoul) ... maybe later? haha...

Anyway, back to my thinking moment... maybe you could help me think... coz right now I'm so lost. My hypothalamus doesn't know how to feel anymore (of course that's scientific, my heart doesnt feel, it just pumps blood) ... and my left brain doesnt know what to think anymore. I feel happy right this moment... and I'm happy that I'm back to my risky self. I just hope YOU finally realize that... haiii...

Maybe someone can help me think or feel if possible... I dunno if my hyperthyroid is still responsible for this but sometimes my heart beats faster and slower at the same time...

What do you think?

THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT

2005-03-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

"Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world!Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!Let your soul take you where you long to be! Only then can you belong to me ... " - Phantom of the Opera... Hmmm....

5 People I'll Meet in Heaven

2005-03-12T17:12:00.000-08:00

First question... Will I go to heaven? I've done so many mistakes in my life... I know I don't deserve heaven and all its beauty but if ever I get there...my next question is, "Who are the 5 people I'll meet in heaven?" I'm not joking and getting sentimental, but ever since I'd like to die young, not very young but not old. I plan to die at around mid 30's or 40's the most. Maybe you'll think I'm psycho, planningdeath. I'm not planning my funeral, I just have a vision so I know what to do with my life.

Mitch Albom's book got me thinking... Who will my 5 people be? He said that each affects the other and the other affects the next. So many passed by my life, they come and go... no one stayed, of course, besides my 2 best buddies. Maybe the person I've hurt, maybe the one who hurt me... one thing struck me the most, the third person Eddie met in heaven, which is someone she didnt know but taught him to forgive his father for not being the father he expected him to be. We may not know it but what we usually do is we set expectations for people and if they don't meet our expectations, we get hurt.. we refused to get hurt so we leave. Ah, crazy world... but even crazier in heaven perhaps. The five people will show you how your life became meaningful, I hope when I go there I'll see my worth, coz right now I don't.

Damn... I'd like to go to heaven soon, not to meet my creator to thank him for my existence but for me to meet my five people. My creator knows already that I'm thankful.

Who'll be my five people do you know? Haha, I sure hope not. That's creepy... Haha

insomniac

2005-03-07T05:42:00.000-08:00

beware, i am the insomniac... waahhh... my hyperthyroid is really ruining my life. do you know that if you have a hyperthyroid you will not be able to sleep well? gosh... i'm still suffering from allergy, now insomnia? oh well, i hope i survive this living hell...

Allergy

2005-03-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

Waaah... this is such a very horrific story. Ever since I was born, I was never restricted from eating any kind of food. I can eat and drink anything I want... til now. Let me just inform you, allergy is something to be taken seriously like ulcer or appendicitis... coz for people like me who loves to eat, then it is very disgusting. I cant eat chicken or egg or any kind of stuff that has cholesterol level too high. Oh my God, this is my punishment... if it's my punishment for being too nice. Then I won't be too nice anymore. Haha, kidding... i just hope I live w/o eating the type of food I like.

February

2005-02-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

February already ended, but believe me, I'll never forget this month. This month, so many things happened... I don't have to enumerate. You don't need to know that. But what you need to know is I've discovered my new self this month. I believe that despite the heart aches and pain caused by the people around me and my sickness... I'm still strong. Despite my extreme moods, I still can keep my composure... and I'm happy to be the dual personality type of person that I am. Forgive me, haha... but this is me.

Monday Morning

2005-02-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Good morning. It's monday again and start of the week. I can't wait for wednesday coz it's my rest day already. I'll watch a movie myself even though I'm alone. I can do it.. I'm used to it especially when I'd like to take things off of my head. I've been thinking bout lots of things lately and I dont want to think about them anymore... I'd just let it slip off my mind and watch a nice and corny movie. haha...